No Cake, Please

It’s a little after midnight so I guess it’s officially the early morning of Feb. 26, 2010. This means that I’m 39 years old. Can it be? Isn’t middle age for other people? How am I supposed to deal with this?

I randomly happened upon my engagement picture the other day. I was amazed at Matt’s thick, wavy hair and the taught skin around my eyes and my thin arms. No gray hair, extra weight or wrinkles. I remember all the junk food I ate and all the late nights I had. How did I still get up in the morning and stay so thin?! Nowadays the late nights kill me. Tomorrow morning I’ll most likely barely be able to drag myself out of bed to take Sam to school and then I’ll probably come home and crawl into bed for another three hours to make up for my post-midnight blog.

This birthday is a little difficult for me. I’m not exactly sure why, but I think it might have to do with expectation. By now wasn’t I supposed to have 5 kids, a minivan, a house in the suburbs? My life is not at all what I had planned. I have one child, no car, and I live in an apartment in Beijing, China.

I just have to remind myself that this isn’t a bad thing. In fact, I wouldn’t trade my life for anything. I have a wonderful husband who tries his best to meet my every need and desire. He is Heaven sent. I couldn’t ask for anyone more caring and kind. I thank Heaven every day that he is my husband. And, I find him dashingly handsome. That doesn’t hurt either.

And Sam. What a blessing he is. As the years pass, I realize the miracle it took to get him here. He’s developing a great sense of humor and he’s a joy to be around. He thinks about things and isn’t afraid to feel. He has confidence in his abilities, too. He’s smart.

And China? It’s kind of a quirky place for us. We don’t have an expat package, so we don’t have a driver and we haven’t bought a car. Our place isn’t in the central business district and it doesn’t have hot running water in the kitchen. But, it’s free. It’s a wonderful neighborhood where people are clean and educated. The botanical garden is our back yard. I have a maid/cook. I have a drawer full of pearls and other baubles and a closet full of clothes. It’s a weird sort of mix between developing country and luxury living.

I love the people here, too. Barring taxi drivers and subway riders and anyone I’m bargaining with at the market, people here are kind and honest. They have so many virtues that I wish I had. True loyalty and humility. Selflessness, kindess, integrity, hard-working, charitable. After three years, I feel like I’m just beginning to peel off the top layers of what it means to be Chinese. I’m finding all sorts of beautiful things. There are a few Chinese people I have come to know quite well here and I have the utmost admiration for them. I can truly say I have never been around so many fine people.

So why the fuss about my situation in life? To tell the truth, I’m not so sure. I guess it’s because I had my dream life all planned out and I’m not living it. I’ve gotten in contact with a few of my old high school friends through facebook. It’s a lot of fun to see what they’re up to and to talk to them again. But sometimes it’s hard, too. Many of them have all the things I thought I would have: the kids, the minivan.

Maybe getting older means the dream of having more children will remain just a dream.

In the meantime, I don’t think I want to make a big deal out of this birthday. Matt has asked me for a long time now what I want. What I really want is no more gray hair or wrinkles. Maybe I can postpone this birthday until March or April when the sun is shining and the garden starts to bloom and I feel like all is right with the world.

I don’t want a cake or presents. How many pearls does one girl need?! Maybe I just want to be thankful for what I have and where I am in my life because really I have everything I could ever want. That’s probably the best birthday present ever.