Can't Sleep

I can't sleep tonight.

But, then again, I haven't been able to get to sleep for the past few nights. It's pretty bad. I keep thinking of all the moving related stuff.

I feel so sad and so happy at the same time. I keep thinking of things I am excited about. And then I remember the things I will miss terribly.

What I really want to do is take my mental landscape of Beijing and roll it up like a scroll and pack it in my suitcase. Then, when I get to Minnesota, I want to unroll it again. And then I want to have my family move in and then the Target and Walmart pop through the scroll. And then one by one all the new people I add in my life can set up shop in this perfect blend of China and the U.S.

I want to keep the vegetable markets and street food and people sweeping with willow brushes tied together for brooms. I want to find bargains at the Zoo market. I want explosive fireworks for Chinese New Year and world-class tennis for $30 a day. I want to hold Ezzie during sacrament meeting and lead the primary kids in the primary program in November. I want to get to know the Morrises and the Hoskinses. I want to hang out with Ashley and find a really good tailor. I want to eat dinner with the Lewises. I want to learn to make jewelry and finally get that set of Tahitians I've been eying. I want to be able to look at the mountains and see graves and think of my babies. How can I leave this place?! The list goes on, but I'll spare you the details.

But then I think of all the wonderful things I'm looking forward to. The temple! Seeing family again. A bathtub. The convenience of a car. Being able to talk to Sam's teachers. Being able to read signs. Controlling my own heat in my own home. No one peeing or pooping or spitting on the street. No more taxi drivers trying to tack on extra miles. Hot running water in the kitchen. A dishwasher. My very own washer that really gets clothes clean AND my dryer. Clean air. Water than you can drink from the tap. Again, the list goes on.

I get the feeling that moving back to the U.S. will be just as difficult as moving to China. Only this time the loss will be greater because we may never come back to China. We always knew we'd move back to the U.S.

I've been reading a book called Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds. It talks about children who have spent a significant amount of time outside their primary culture. It's wonderful to see the benefits and so helpful to know some things we can do to make the difficulties easier. It's a good read for anyone who has spent time in any cross-cultural situation.

I hope I can make it through these next few months with at least a bit of my heart and sanity intact. My heart aches to leave and aches because we're leaving.

No wonder I can't sleep.